The Mysteries of Life
by yearofvolitaire
Summary: A mainly PotO movie based parody. Filled with an idiotic cast, fop bashing, and no real plot. I'm very bad at summaries read inside for more. Rated T for minimum crude language, etc.
1. Erik has a life?

**Disclaimer: **Why do people even write these things? I know that I personally always skip them and go to the story…HEY STOP SCROLLING AND READ THIS! Anyway, this could be because I have the intension span of a –HEY! Look! A shiny parrot! It's mine!

Aaaanyway, I would like to mention that I don't own any of the POTO characters. Although I would like to own Erik

**Erik: **Oh, god, no! Why is my suicide machine broken? (points frantically to an unloaded pistol)

**Volitaire:** BWAHAHAHAHAAH! (chokes on air)------

_Checklist_

_By: The Opera Ghost_

_AKA: me_

Erik checked his to-do list so far. _Well, I'm off to a good start_, he thought. As he began to scribble down something about needing more candles, the doorknob (no, I _don't_ know why the phantom would have an unlocked door five stories underground, he just does, OKAY?) started to turn.

"Whoa! Look at all of those freaking candles!" exclaimed an irritating fourteen year old girl.

"What? How do you people keep getting down here?" he shouted angrily gesturing to an extremely intricate map of the path to his lair.

"I dunno, but you really need an elevator or something." Said the girl. "Oh, and you could install elevator music too! Doo de dum do dah dum de!," Sang the girl annoyingly.

"You know, I have been meaning to fix that, seeing as I am an incredibly lazy person-Hey! Get out of here!," Erik shouted. The girl ignored him and examined a copy of _Good Lairkeeping_.

"Hey, wait a second…I know you! You're that spoon idiot from your friends (does the shifty eye thing while looking around for the copyrighting police) story! How the hell do you monsters keep getting down here," He screamed with rage. "I have some really important things I should be doing right now. Don't touch any of those candles," Said Erik as he gestured at his blank to-do list.

"Wait. Mr. Phantom, if you really do get –(checks Google money converter )-3952.7 dollars from the managers per month, some restrictions may apply, why don't you just get electric light?" asked the girl as she unorganized Erik's music.

"I don't know…Why don't you cruel phan-girls just let me have electric lighting? WHY? While you're at it, why not give me a normal face and a job and tons of girlfriends and-,"

The Authoress Volitaire clicks the mouse and Erik and his little bitchy tirade disappear. mumbling: stupid hot Erik…

THE NEXT DAY

THE NEXT DAY

THE NEXT- **(Volitaire:** Stop messing with the computer, Erik! **Erik:** Stupid humanity…)

"Well, Christine, aren't you glad that whole crazy phantom-stalker guy-kidnapping you-and-trying-to-kill-Raoul thing is over?" said Meg happily.

"What do you mean? That never happened," answered Christine as she tried to open a letter. "Stupid little adhesive thingy…,"

"You know. Are you telling me that you don't remember the last six months?" _Boy she's stupid…I wonder if these shoes make me look fat…_

"No, I remember them fine," Christine enters into a dreamy little montage of scenes from _A Hard Day's Night_.

"Ringo has such a big nose," she muttered dreamily.

"Christine, that NEVER happened! Boy, Volitaire and her psycho friends were right; you ARE an airhead,"

"It's been a hard day's night, dun-nuhnuhnnnnnn….," Christine mumbled breaking out into an air guitar solo.

"The guitar hasn't been invented yet," said Meg irritated. Five minutes pass.

"I like shiny things. Look! A parrot," said Christine, chasing after an obviously stuffed parrot piñata on a string.

"ERIK!" yelled Meg as Erik pouted and went back to whatever it was he was doing before.

"Yay! I finally got the letter open! No, it's empty!" screamed Christine in horror as she dropped to her knees. "Why does this always happen to me? Why? Curse you,Volitaire!" she sobbed.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know I hurt all of you pathetic little characters' feelings before now. From now on, I'll be much kinder," said the Authoress, a loud booming voice that sounded sort of like a parrot. ( Yah, _Sort _of…)

"Really?" asked Christine with her clueless face.

"Hell no. Click Hahahaha!" Christine and Meg both disappear.

"Remember me," Said an eerie ghosty ( Yes, I DID just make up a word) Christine voice. "Help, I need somebody…"

"Stop singing Beatles songs!" screamed an eerie Meg voice.

"Phew. Now I can get back to whatever it was that I was doing," sighed Volitaire dreamily.

Meanwhile…

"Soon, I shall have that Giry wench and all the others in my clutches," Erik said in a creepy low voice as Meg and Christine walked off (Christine:"I like ice cream." Meg: "I KNOW! YOU'VE TOLD ME SEVERAL TIMES ALREADY!") .

"Soon, all will tremble with fear as I –(Checks his name tag)- Erik Idonthavealastname, destroy them all. Soon- LOOK! A nickel! Wheee!" Erik cried as he plunged off the roof to pick up the delicious nickel below on the Parisian street.--------

Raoul was innocently licking an ice cream cone and waltzing in that carefree way of his, through a crowd of people with his invisible dance partner, whom he named Matilda.

"Come along Matilda, we shall soon win the dance competition and then go have a party and I like chocolate, oh yes, we , do ,AHH!," he shouted crazily as people edged away from him slowly. Raoul had chocolate for breakfast, apparently.

"Oh look! A nickel! It's my luckylooks up at the sun to make sure it was still day day! I'll just bend down slowly to pick it up, not looking up or anything…,"

As he was saying this, the phantom fell on top of him and swiped the precious nickel.

"Yes! I, the phantom, AKA Monsieur Idonthavealastname, am victorious in my conquests," he shouted gleefully as he got up and swiped Raoul's ice cream.

"Come Matilda, for I am your new master and we have lots of things to do!" he mumbled crazily. We're pretty sure that he had chocolate for breakfast, too.

Thus, the phantom and the elusive Matilda pranced off to kill people. Or drink. Or whatever it is Erik does in his spare time.---------------------

Is this the end of the second chapter? Is Raoul a crazy fop? Does Erik need to get a life? Do I have problems? Tune in next time to find out! (I'll give you a hint: the answer to all three is "Yes." ) Oh, and I'd like to give a thank you to my editors, the voices in my head. What? I don't want to burn things…NOOOOOOO! Mmmm, lobster… ---Sincerely, well, not really,-

Volitaire Idonthavealastnameeither


	2. Mysteries of the lobby

**Disclaimer: Hmm**, what to say… I already explained the whole disclaimer phenomena to you all, so…I don't know.

**Erik**: Oh! Give me the phone! Tell them Erik says hi!

**Me:** Uh, this isn't a phone call, ghost boy.

**Erik: **You called me ghosty boy? How dare-A BUTTERFLY! MUST! TOUCH!

**Me:** Okay…I knew I should've bought that phantom muzzle at the pet store.

**My Mom:** Volitaire, go feed your pet! We had a deal: you could get the strange masked man only if you fed him and brushed his shiny fur coat!

**Erik:** Yeah! I'm hungry! And thirsty! And disgruntled! And-

**Volitaire: **(stuffs Erik into a small gerbil cage) Bad masked man! Stop trying to kill people! And butterflies!

**Erik: Meow!**

**Me: Great, now we have to buy a litter box…**

---

Volitaire (that's me, remember? **Erik:** (reading a comic) What?) was busily doing her algebra homework (hey, this is a work of Fiction!) when a small but annoying Erik icon popped up on the computer screen and reminded me that I should really delete that irritating Erik icon. But back to the story:

Christine, Andre, Firmin, Raoul, and Meg were all standing in the lobby of the Opera house.

Christine and Meg needed a coffee break, and the managers were trying to find a small dime someone had dropped. Raoul was exhausted and needed a break; all of that wandering around the opera without a purpose was hard work. Suddenly, to their surprise, the phantom's overture came on over the new loudspeakers (Andre: We bought them because they don't exist yet!). Out walked Madame Giry.

"What? Where's the phantom?" asked Meg. _I wonder if these pants make me look fat…_

"I was just about to ask you. But I did find this disturbing letter," she said, holding out the paper. The crowd saw that it was a badly drawn phantom-looking stick figure. In the corner, in handwriting bad enough to make an English teacher eat a gerbil was written: By Erik, age: were not really sure.

"That still doesn't explain where Erik is. Or why that music started to play," said Meg. _I wonder if Christine's pants make me look fat…_

"At any rate, we must find him and bring him back. Dead or alive," Madame said, cocking her cane like a shotgun. Shotgun shells flew out.

"Uh, don't you mean 'alive'?" asked Andre.

"Why yes…Yes, I did…," she answered slowly, doing the shifty eye thing.

The overture suddenly started playing again.

"There he is," said Christine as she watched Raoul play his game boy.

"Ahead. Here you-a all are. Uh. Trying to hide from The Carlotta?" whined Carlotta in her stupid voice.

Everyone turned around and ignored her.

"I must know where he with the cape is! I am married to him!" she shouted.

Everyone looked back around, except for Raoul, who was trying to not get hit by cars in his game.

"Now that all of the-a attention-a is back on-a me, I need my doggies!" Everyone ignored her again.

"What's going on here?" asked Erik's voice. Instead of his theme, _Revolution Nine _started playing.

"Where were you? I was so worried! You're wearing my pants, remember?" cried Meg.

Everyone stared at him as the song played. _Number nine, number nine…_

"Well, they don't make men's pants as tight! Gosh…," he snorted. "And, for your

Information, I was looking for my cape," he said, pulling out his cape.

"Oh, swishy, I'll never lose you again… Hey, where'd you go?" Erik squealed.

"Oh, there you are. Never again," he sighed.

"Well, tell us your story, ghosty boy," said Carlotta, searching for her accent.

"Well, it all started when…_Number nine, number nine,_ I mean…

FLASHBACK!"

Erik woke up. He went to the kitchen, made some coffee, and then realized he wasn't wearing any pants. Then, he remembered that Raoul was still lying unconscious near the lake (He had tried to borrow popcorn the other day). After he dragged him back upstairs, he realized he still wasn't wearing any pants, again. After he found some of Meg's he had stolen (see above excuse), he realized his cape was gone.

"Swishy? Oh where oh where has my little cape gone, oh where oh where could it be?" he hummed. Suddenly, he remembered his old nemesis: George Washington, I mean, Matilda, the invisible dancer. He walked into the back laundry room. All of the candles were out, and he thought he could see Matilda's fog on the couch ("Now why do you have a couch in the laundry room?" asked Meg. "Number nine…," replied Erik.)

"Matilda, where's swishy? And that Chinese food I was saving? And those goldfish that you said died while I was at camp? Well, here's news, Matilda! I never went to camp! I NEVER WENT TO CAMP!!!!!!!" he screamed at the air.

"No Matilda, No, don't hurt me, AHHHHHHHHH!"

END OF FLASHBACK

"Uh, Erik, what happened after that?" asked Meg. _I wonder if Erik's, I mean, my, pants make me look fat, _she thought.

"Go little frog, go! No, Raoul, you have to press the A and B buttons at the same time, or you'll get hit by the truck!" He cheered, watching the tiny screen.

"Erik," whined Raoul, "I can't see the screen if you hover like that! Mommy! Christiney!"

"Erik, stop bothering Raouly; Raoul, here's a lollipop," said Christine.

"Well, Meg, I just woke up here, with Swishy. I wish _I_ had a lollypop…," Erik whined.

"Hi, Erik. Hi, whoever the rest of you are," said that irritating girl I have yet to name.

"How do you people keep finding me? I told you, I don't want to buy your stupid timeshares!" shouted Erik as he slowly stole Raoul's lollipop.

"Uh, I don't sell timeshares. At least, I don't think I sell them. Anyway, I brought you a gift!" said the girl as she handed Erik an expensive looking bag that said _The Store for Millionaires_.

"Oh! I hope it's money," said Erik as he ripped open the bag. Inside was a taco, which Erik ate quickly.

"You bought him a taco?" asked Meg astonished.

"Yep," said the girl as she stole the lollipop from Erik, who was too distracted licking the taco bag.

"You paid a million dollars for a taco?" asked Andre.

"Heck no. I just found that bag in the trash," exclaimed the girl as Erik blanched white and started spitting out the taco.

"I think we'll name you Sparky," said Christine, pointing.

"Uh, Christine, you're pointing at the wall," sighed Meg.

"Are you calling me fat?" said Christine breaking into tears.

"By the way, has anyone noticed all of the naked paintings and statues on the walls? What's with this Opera House?" asked Firmin to no one in particular.

Everyone stared.

"Well, all's well that ends, uh, badly," said Andre mysteriously. And in a way he was right; Firmin was humming the Batman song, Christine was playing air guitar, Erik was watching Raoul play the game, Raoul was watching Erik watching himself play the game, Madame Giry was cleaning her cane gun, Carlotta was dancing with herself, and Meg was wondering about Firmin's pant size. –

**Erik:** Well, this is the end of chapter-(counts on his fingers)-two. Where is that evil Volitaire, you ask? Well…

**Volitaire: **Erik, I don't see the magic flying ferret you were talking about…

**Erik: **Oh, it's there all right. Idiot…

----

By the way, my word processor keeps trying to inform me that Raoul, Firmin, Andre, Carlotta, and Giry are all spelled wrong, so, sorry for any spelling mistakes.

**Adieu, and Review!-Sincerely,-**

**Volitaire**


	3. Short Chapter I don't have a name for

**Sorry this chapter's so short; Chapter four will be longer. **

**Me:** Well, unfortunately, I'm going to be going on a sort of road trip vacation soon.

**Erik:** Road trip? What is this road you speak of?

**Me: **For a genius, you sure are stupid.

**Erik:** What? That's preposterous! Hahahahaha… Pardon, what were you saying? I wasn't paying attention.

**Me: **Stupid creepy genius…

**Erik: **Stupid creepy genius…------

Erik was minding his own business (yea, right), eating a taco he stole from Meg.

"Stupid girl…Hehehe…I love you taco!" Erik said as he hugged the taco. Suddenly, the doorbell rang.

"Wait…since when did I get a doorbell?" he wondered as he went to answer the door. It was Raoul, wearing a pink tuxedo.

"It was a horrible laundry accident involving one of my red shirts," whined the fop as Erik cackled at him.

"Why are you here and HOW DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP GETTING DOWN HERE?" he screamed with rage.

"Erik, I told you: I don't know. And I need to borrow some CD's, which you stole from me," Raoul said. Erik narrowed his eyes, wishing that he wasn't so lazy and would've fed Raoul Windex when he had the chance…

"I love the Spice Girls... Oh and, by the way, there's a demented phan girl on her way here," said Raoul as he walked out of the house and into the lake.

"Mmmmm…Filthy water…," he murmured as he disappeared under the water.

"Hello, Mr. Scary guy. I hope you don't mind that I led all of your sworn enemies into your secret lair," said the girl as she walked into the back door of the lair, leading the rest of the cast.

"What the- I don't HAVE a back door!" Erik cried. Everyone shrugged; no one listens to Erik anyway.

"I also brought you all a special present. But I ate it on the way here-you _still _need an elevator- so I bought you some crap from the phan-girl's souvenir stand," she said, taking out a large bag. She opened it and dropped a bunch of POTO cast plushiest on the couch.

"Plushies!" screamed Raoul as he reentered the lair soaking wet. Erik and Raoul got into a fight over the Christine doll, Christine was trying to steal the Meg doll's shoes, Erik was sticking pins into the Madame Giry doll, and Andre was creepily caressing the Raoul doll's face.

"Mmmm... Raoul…" he murmured. The doorbell rang again.

"Who is it now?" growled Erik as he put down the mini-noose he was making for the plushies.

"Pizza delivery. One million dollars," said the pizza man.

"I didn't order a pizza…," Erik said as he took the pizza and pushed the man into the lake. "I don't even think pizza exists yet," he murmured.

"There's a souvenir stand in the opera?" Madame Giry asked the teen.

"Yea. Unless it was a guitar store. I don't remember," she said. The group then tromped up the cellar stairs to see the store.

"But I don't wanna go, I'm hungry, and tired, and-," Madame Giry grabbed Erik's collar and dragged him along.

"Hey, look! They have maps to Christine's dressing room," said Meg.

"Hello, Dolly…," chuckled Erik as he bought ninety copies.

"And they're selling Erik's clothes," Firmin remarked with interest.

"Hey, those are my pants!" cried Meg angrily as Erik whistled and slowly scooted away into the shadows.

"I told you; they don't make men's pants in my size. Gosh," he murmured from his corner.

"Whoa, a Carlotta life sized mannequin in a cage," said Christine as she staged a battle between the Raoul and Erik dolls.

"I _am_ Carlotta-a!" screeched Carlotta as she rattled the cage bars.

"Not that you could ever tell, as she always looks lifeless," quipped Meg.

"She's free, really, we'll pay you to buy her, please, dear god!" cried the phan-girls operating the stand.

"YAHAHAHAHAHAH!" screeched stupid Carlotta as she disappeared with a click.

"I don't know why I even let that freak into my story…Why didn't I feed her Windex when I had the chance…," said a voice from the ceiling. " NO! Don't feed the cat potato chips! NOOOO!"

"What. The. Hell," said Andre as he purchased most of Erik's clothing.

"Well, as much fun as this has been, I think I really should be killing you now, friends, if you continue to annoy me!" Erik seethed as he accidentally decapitated the Erik doll.

"Is he always this maddening?" asked the girl.

"Pretty much. Let's go," announced Christine as everyone went their separate ways. The managers went to seal and send more unopened letters for their idiotic cast to find; Erik and Raoul went to fight over a Twinkie; Meg went to steal Erik's clothes; Madame Giry went to burn Erik's lair; and the teen girl went back to her house to feed the cat potato chips.

Christine remained in the lobby, probably waiting for someone to kidnap her.

If only…

--------------

**Volitaire: **This is the end of chapter three.

**Erik:** There is a god.

**Volitaire:** I love you too, Erik! (Tightens chains around Erik's legs and arms)

**Erik:** Help-ME!

**Volitaire:** Wow, I didn't know Erik could turn purple! Sweet!

Irritatingly yours,

Volitaire


End file.
